DEAR DEIDRE: MEETING female and male escorts fulfilled my sexual fantasies, but now I’ve found a lump on my penis and I’m filled with dread.
I fear I’ll have to tell my wife, though we haven’t had sex in years.
I’m consumed with guilt and know I should stop, but I’m not sure how.
I’m 48 and have been married for 20 years. We had a decent sex life until a few years ago, when my wife, now 46, suddenly stopped wanting it.
Whenever I tried, she’d say: “All you care about is sex.”
I felt hurt and rejected, but she wouldn’t discuss it.
[authenticated-scripts src=”%3Cscript%20type%3D%22text%2Fjavascript%22%20src%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fjs.php%2Fdear_deidre_problem%22%3E%3C%2Fscript%3E%3Cnoscript%3E%3Ca%20href%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fdear_deidre_problem%22%20title%3D%22Online%20Form%22%3EOnline%20Form%20-%20Dear%20Deidre%3C%2Fa%3E%3C%2Fnoscript%3E” type=”embedded” width=”100″ /]I was so frustrated and started to watch more and more porn. I found myself looking at gay porn and fantasising about gay sex, despite always thinking of myself as straight.
Soon, I found myself on sex sites, too. The urge continued to develop and I began arranging to meet these people so I could actually have the sex I craved.
I’ve met about ten escorts for sex — including a few men. The sex is great, but afterwards, I feel grubby.
And although I’ve been having safe sex, I’ve now found a lump on my penis. I am terrified it’s an STI.
What if I need antibiotics or have caught something incurable? I’ve realised that watching porn and seeing escorts hasn’t made me happier — just more anxious and bitter.
All I want is to be intimate with my wife again, but I’m scared I’ve gone too far and our marriage will be over for good.
[read-more title=”READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE” article_ids=”32956801,32878410″ shortcode_id=”9644d400-7492-4bf6-84c8-b74771889c38″ /]DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to panic. A lump on the penis may have many causes. But it’s important you visit an STI clinic for a diagnosis.
It sounds like this has given you the wake-up call you needed to get help.
Many men start watching porn or seeing escorts to fill a void, and soon find they are unable to stop.
As you’ve found, the void deepens.
You need support to deal with your porn and escort habits. Get in touch with pivotalrecovery.org, a recovery programme for porn addicts.
My support pack, Pornography Worry, should also help. As for your marriage, you and your wife need to talk about your relationship and the future.
It’s not fair that she has decided to give up on sex without any explanation or discussion. Couples counselling could really help you.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org to find out more.