DEAR DEIDRE: OUR family’s location app revealed my wife is almost certainly having an affair.
However, she totally denies cheating. I feel so confused and unsure what to do.
We’re in our mid-40s and have been married for 20 years, with two kids. We haven’t been getting on well for several months.
We’ve been arguing a lot, and sex has been infrequent.
She often says she’s not in the mood — which hurts a lot. I feel neglected.
About a year ago, she joined a walking club and made new friends through it.
[authenticated-scripts src=”%3Cscript%20type%3D%22text%2Fjavascript%22%20src%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fjs.php%2Fdear_deidre_problem_feb%22%3E%3C%2Fscript%3E%3Cnoscript%3E%3Ca%20href%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fdear_deidre_problem_feb%22%20title%3D%22Online%20Form%22%3EOnline%20Form%20-%20Dear%20Deidre%20-%20Feb%202025%3C%2Fa%3E%3C%2Fnoscript%3E” type=”embedded” width=”100″ /]There’s one couple, who she spends a lot of time with. She’s also started going to a local gym, and the husband goes there too.
It feels like she’s always exercising, and never at home with me and the kids.
Our whole family uses the Life360 app, so we know where everyone is.
Recently my wife started cycling and one day, while she was on a ride with this male friend, I decided to check her movements.
She wasn’t moving at all. In fact for the 40 minutes while I was looking she was in the same secluded location.
When I asked her about it later, she said the location had changed at the last minute. She was annoyed I’d tracked her.
[bc_video account_id=”5067014667001″ application_id=”” aspect_ratio=”16:9″ autoplay=”” caption=”Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it” embed=”in-page” experience_id=”” height=”100%” language_detection=”” max_height=”360px” max_width=”640px” min_width=”0px” mute=”” padding_top=”56%” picture_in_picture=”” player_id=”default” playlist_id=”” playsinline=”” sizing=”responsive” video_id=”6347316631112″ video_ids=”” width=”640px”]But I felt so suspicious that when I got the chance, I checked her messages.
There were lots between her and this man. Nothing sexual, but they were clearly close. A few days later, I checked again, and they’d all been deleted.
She denies any wrongdoing, but I just can’t see an innocent explanation.
Part of me feels I should leave her — but I don’t want to break up my family.
[read-more title=”READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE” article_ids=”34580003,34562041″ shortcode_id=”28f45f2c-897b-482f-81dc-871aedd5b933″ /]DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife might not have physically cheated, but it appears that she’s had an emotional affair, and that can be just as painful.
It also destroys trust, which is vital in a marriage. It sounds like you don’t want to leave your wife and family, but aren’t sure how you can move forward.
Talk to your wife again. Ask her to be honest about her actions, and see if she wants to work on bridging the gulf between you.
Read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?
Relationship counselling could really help you. Contact tavistockrelationships.org to set up an appointment.
DESPERATE TO WIN BACK GIRLFRIEND
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-girlfriend dumped me, and it was totally my fault.
I now regret not making enough effort in our relationship and want her back, but she’s not interested.
I’m 26 and she’s 24. We were together a year. When she said she wanted to get serious, I said I wasn’t ready, and mucked her around.
By the time I decided I really liked her after all, she’d changed her mind about me and it was too late.
She broke up with me and deleted me from her contacts. We haven’t spoken since. I miss her so much and desperately want to meet up so I can tell her how I feel.
I even rang her parents to get a message to her, and tried to track her down at her workplace.
That just made her angry. What can I do to show her I made a huge mistake and that I want to try again?
DEIDRE SAYS: Unfortunately, you can’t make someone change their mind.
You’ve made it clear you want her back. Now the ball is in her court.
If she doesn’t feel the same, I’m afraid you’ll have to accept it. Try and see it as a lesson for the future.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help you to get over her.
[boxout headline=”ONLINE GUY IS SO SECRETIVE”]DEAR DEIDRE: HOW can I trust the man I’ve been talking to online when he won’t meet me or even talk to me on the phone?
He says he loves me, but how can he when he doesn’t know me? And he’s so evasive when I ask him questions about his life.
We’re both in our 40s. I’m divorced with kids, and he says he is too – but I’m beginning to wonder.
We’ve been talking for several months, but only by message. We write to each other every night.
He knows lots about my life, but I’ve realised I know very little about him.
That’s because he only answers half my questions and skirts around the others.
I’ve asked him to video call me, and he complains he has a poor signal where he lives, so it won’t work.
Whenever I try to arrange a date, he says he’s too busy with work. Yet he is so complimentary and tells me how he can’t wait until we can be together.
I’m starting to think he’s taking me for a ride and I’m just wasting my time.
But I’m confused because we do have a lot of interests in common, and, at first, I thought this might go somewhere.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right to be wary. This relationship sounds very one-sided, and it’s likely he’s hiding something.
He might be married, or perhaps he’s much older or younger than he says he is, or looks very different.
His declarations of love are just words. He doesn’t really know you.
And no relationship can progress without meeting in person. Tell him you need him to be straight with you, and to meet you.
If he refuses, or makes more excuses, perhaps it’s time to walk away and look for someone who wants the full relationship you do.
My support pack, Love Online, has lots of useful tips about negotiating the world of online relationships.
STRESSEDOUT OVER BIG DEBT
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM too scared to open the front door in case it’s debt collectors, because I took out a loan I can’t pay back.
My finances have been stretched, and I can’t meet the monthly payments. It’s making me ill with stress.
I’m a 54-year-old single woman and I’ve been having money problems.
This loan was advertised online and seemed like the answer to my prayers. But it had a very high interest rate and I’ve now realised I can’t keep making the monthly payments.
I lie in bed at night, unable to sleep and I feel too sick to eat.
Sometimes, I even think it would be better if I weren’t here.
Please help me.
DEIDRE SAYS: No amount of money is worth ending your life over.
Help is available, and I’m so pleased you’ve asked for it before things get worse.
Make an appointment with your GP and tell them you’re finding it hard to cope.
See my support packs, Solving Debt Problems and Family Finances, and contact the charity stepchange.org which can help you deal with the loan company and find a solution.
And if you ever feel suicidal, don’t hesitate to contact samaritans.org (116 123).