DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my boss has made being at work totally embarrassing.
Unwisely, I slept with her at a conference, and now she flirts so openly I’m worried my colleagues will find out.
I am 24 and she is 35. I’ve been working at a marketing company for six months, and she’s my line manager.
Last month, there was a conference in Hungary and my whole team went out there for a few days. We all stayed in the same hotel. It was very social, with lots of dinners and drinks.
On the final evening, we had a party and drank a lot. I stayed up late, chatting to my boss and a few others.
Eventually, it was just the two of us left there. When we got into the lift to go back to our rooms, she fell against me — and kissed me. I kissed her back.
[authenticated-scripts src=”%3Cscript%20type%3D%22text%2Fjavascript%22%20src%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fjs.php%2Fdear_deidre_problem_feb%22%3E%3C%2Fscript%3E%3Cnoscript%3E%3Ca%20href%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fdear_deidre_problem_feb%22%20title%3D%22Online%20Form%22%3EOnline%20Form%20-%20Dear%20Deidre%20-%20Feb%202025%3C%2Fa%3E%3C%2Fnoscript%3E” type=”embedded” width=”100″ /]She is attractive and it was a thrill. Then she invited me back to her room and, against my better judgment, I agreed.
The next morning, I woke up in her bed, feeling hungover and mortified.
She told me she had really enjoyed our night together, but we shouldn’t mention it to anyone and I agreed.
I thought we would put it in the past and act professionally.
But since then, she has flirted in the office and made suggestive remarks. It’s almost like she wants people to know.
I have told her how uncomfortable this makes me. She says I’m overreacting.
[bc_video account_id=”5067014667001″ application_id=”” aspect_ratio=”16:9″ autoplay=”” caption=”Dear Deidre: Understanding the impact of ghosting ” embed=”in-page” experience_id=”” height=”100%” language_detection=”” max_height=”360px” max_width=”640px” min_width=”0px” mute=”” padding_top=”56%” picture_in_picture=”” player_id=”default” playlist_id=”” playsinline=”” sizing=”responsive” video_id=”6349478205112″ video_ids=”” width=”640px”]This is my first proper job and I don’t want people to think I got it because I’m having sex with the boss.
I am worried about rumours getting around and spoiling my career. What should I do?
[read-more title=”READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE” article_ids=”34461462,34456860″ shortcode_id=”88ae5c43-7d69-41c0-aa99-7fbfd93bf3d6″ /]DEIDRE SAYS: Your boss’s behaviour is unfair and possibly illegal.
While you consented to sex with her, it could be argued that her position of power over you meant it wasn’t true consent – you made it clear you didn’t want things to continue afterwards.
You have told her how uncomfortable you feel about her flirting, yet she is ignoring you. Her behaviour now amounts to sexual harassment.
I’m sure, like most workplaces, your company would frown upon sex between a boss and employee, which is why she said you shouldn’t mention it.
You now need to make it clear that if she doesn’t stop flirting, you will have no choice but to take things further, and make a complaint to your HR department.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation effectively.
For more advice on any employment issues, contact Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).
THANK YOU FOR… HELPING ME TACKLE MY SEX ADDICTION
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I realised my unquenchable desire for sex was on the brink of destroying my marriage, I knew I had a serious problem.
I was sleeping with several women, including escorts, but I still wasn’t satisfied. My wife had no idea.
I’m 44 and she’s 43.
She went off sex years ago, and rather than fix our problems, I sought comfort in another woman’s arms.
That led to affairs with multiple women, some I knew, and others I paid for. So I wrote to you, Deidre.
You confirmed to me that I had a sex addiction, and needed professional help. But you didn’t make me feel judged. You just pointed out the emotional, financial and physical pitfalls of my behaviour.
You suggested I read your Sex Addiction support pack and advised me to contact the laurelcentre.co.uk (01926 339594) for help.
I have since managed to go cold turkey, ending all my affairs. I took my wife on holiday, so we could reconnect.
We’re now having couple’s counselling – although she doesn’t know about my cheating. I pray she never does.
I feel a weight has been lifted. Thank you, Deidre.
DEIDRE SAYS: You sound strong and determined to fix your issues. Do reach out again if you need me.
[boxout headline=”SICK OF LIVING A LIE”]DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING to hide my sexuality from my family is making my life unbearable. But I am from a religious background and know they wouldn’t accept me being gay.
I’m a 28-year-old guy, and have known I was gay since I was a teenager. I tried to resist it for several years, even having a few girlfriends to make my parents happy.
Since I left home, I have embraced who I am and had sex with lots of other men.
The problem is, I have to keep it a secret. Even my close friends don’t know.
I would love to be able to have a proper same-sex relationship one day, to live with someone and even marry them.
But my parents are deeply homophobic, believing that being gay is the devil’s work, and they would disown me.
Lately, they have asked when I will settle down and give them grandchildren.
I’m sick of living a lie. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your sexuality and sex life are no one’s business but yours.
You are doing nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to hide who you are.
But I understand the thought of being rejected by your family and friends is scary.
In time they might understand, and come to accept your choices, rather than lose you.
Contact Switchboard (switchboard.lgbt, 0800 0119 100) for confidential help, and read my LGBT+ Support advice pack for more information and links.
It might also help to talk to a counsellor. For details see my support pack How Counselling Can Help.
BROTHER WRONGLY JAILED FOR ABUSING HIS CHILDREN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY brother was sent to prison for sexually abusing his children, but I know he is innocent.
I believe he was framed by his vicious ex-wife, who has accused another man before. How can I help him and get the truth out there?
I’m a 42-year-old woman and my brother is 45.
He’s the kindest, gentlest man, who would never do anything to hurt anyone. And he loves his two children, who are now adults.
After years of abuse, he finally divorced his narcissistic wife. Soon after, he met a new woman and moved in with her.
His ex couldn’t handle this. She decided she didn’t want him to see his kids any more, so launched a campaign of disinformation, turning them against him.
She also somehow persuaded his daughter that he had sexually abused her as a child. In the past, she had accused one of their babysitters too, but there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute.
But this time, the police believed his daughter, and the case went to court.
Incredibly, he was found guilty and sent to prison for ten years. His life is ruined, he’s lost his kids, and he is in despair.
I am heartbroken and want to help him appeal and prove his innocence.
DEIDRE SAYS: When someone is sent to prison, it has a devastating effect on their loved ones too.
I know you believe your brother to be innocent, but overturning a conviction is not easy. You and your brother need legal advice. Start by contacting the solicitor who represented him.
And you can get help from the False Allegations Support Organisation (false-allegations.org.uk, 03335 779 377).
They can put you in contact with lawyers, help you navigate the criminal justice system and assist in finding a counsellor.
[boxout headline=”TEENAGE TROUBLES”]DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE a huge crush on my brother’s friend, but I’m too scared to tell him I like him.
I’m 16, he’s 18, like my brother, and I’m worried he might think I’m too young.
Whenever he comes round, we have great banter, and he smiles and makes eye contact.
But what if he’s just being friendly? I don’t want to make it awkward with my brother.
DEIDRE SAYS: Crushes can feel intense. If you’re unsure of this guy’s feelings, ask your brother if you can talk to him in confidence.
He’ll know if his best friend is interested or single. And he can tell you if it’ll make things awkward for him. If things don’t work out, your feelings will fade in time.
My support pack, Learning About Relationships, will help.