LOOKING at my three-year-old daughter Ellie giggling as my dad Michael bounces her on his knee, I feel both love and fury.
I want to snatch her away and tell him he doesn’t deserve her adoration while he plays happy families.
The loving bond they share is so similar to the one I always enjoyed with him up until 18 months ago.
That’s when I opened the Facebook message that shattered my world and brought my treasured childhood memories crashing down in an instant.
In many ways I wish I’d never opened it in the first place and I’m still unable to shake off the feeling of pure revulsion I felt as I read.
It said: “I’m sorry to do this to you but I need you to know – your dad isn’t the man you think he is, he has been having an affair with me for 20yrs.
“If you don’t tell your mum the truth, I will.”
I felt sick as I read it. It couldn’t be true – but I recognised the name.
It was someone my mum used to have coffee with after the school run, a woman called Elizabeth who had children the same age as me and my sister Louise, 31, and lived on the same cul-de-sac.
I fired off a reply – of course I didn’t believe her.
Her response floored me. Presenting me with a sordid dossier of their heartbreaking romance, she reeled off a list of dates and places they’d been to, spanning 20 years.
Scanning down the list my heart thudded. The times coincided perfectly with occasions I knew my dad had been away.
[bc_video account_id=”5067014667001″ application_id=”” aspect_ratio=”16:9″ autoplay=”” caption=”Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it” embed=”in-page” experience_id=”” height=”100%” language_detection=”” max_height=”360px” max_width=”640px” min_width=”0px” mute=”” padding_top=”56%” picture_in_picture=”” player_id=”default” playlist_id=”” playsinline=”” sizing=”responsive” video_id=”6347316631112″ video_ids=”” width=”640px”]These included my 17th birthday, which had been ruined when he couldn’t be there because he was ‘working’ as an engineer in London, over 100 miles away from our Sheffield home.
And the time he missed my school prom because he’d been working on a well-paid short-term contract for a company in Bath and the money was “too good to miss”.
I replied, begging her for some time to tell my mum.
The ultimate betrayal
That night I couldn’t sleep, filled with a white hot and blistering anger – directed at her, the woman who’d stolen my beloved dad away.
It was hard to believe that the man I’d always looked up to, who was my best friend and protector, could have betrayed all of us.
Initially, I couldn’t even tell my husband what had happened. I didn’t want to hear the truth – that my dad was every bit as much to blame as she was.
But the next morning I confided in my partner, because I needed his help to decide what to do – and whether to tell mum.
I’ve always thought a woman deserves to know if her husband is cheating, but faced with the reality, it wasn’t clear cut.
With all my heart I wished I didn’t know, so mum could be spared from the sickening truth.
The ‘perfect’ parent
My dad had always been perfect. I was closer to him than my mum, Brenda, 59.
He was the one I turned to when I was 12 and my acne led to boys in my class bullying me.
He turned up at the school disco in the first year of high school and called them out. They never bothered me again.
Ironically, I had felt sorry for him having to go on so many trips away for work. I hated that he had to get up at 4am on a Monday morning to drive miles away.
[quote credit=”Faye”][Growing up] it was loving but very ordinary. That’s why this is such a shock – suddenly I’m in the middle of a soap opera storyline[/quote]And I was annoyed with my mum. She worked part time as a dinner lady and I felt if she went full time, then he could do a different job that would keep him at home.
Thinking about that makes me want to cry.
Their relationship seemed rock solid – I aspired to have a marriage like theirs, there were never any cross words in our three-bedroom semi.
It was loving but very ordinary. That’s why this is such a shock – suddenly I’m in the middle of a soap opera storyline.
‘He visibly paled… then he broke down’
After discussing it with my postman husband Nick, 34, I decided there was only one thing to do.
Three days after I got the message I arranged to go for a walk with my dad in our local park.
I confronted him, telling him straight out about the message.
I’d held out hope it wasn’t true, that he’d shoot me down, but I knew immediately from the look on his face that it was. He visibly paled and then he broke down.
He told me he’d bumped into her on a work trip to Edinburgh 20 years ago purely by coincidence. They’d gone for a drink and one thing led to another.
He told me he’d get lonely when he was away, that mum couldn’t get away because of her work, but Elizabeth could.
She didn’t work and she’d tell her husband she was visiting her best friend while she was with him.
Discovering one parent is cheating on the other is a burden no child should carry. For in this scenario, there are only ever losers.
Whatever course you chose is fraught with potential upset and hurt.
Many children, upon learning their mum or dad has been unfaithful, feel that not only has their other parent been betrayed, but so have they.
Wonderful innocent memories are scrutinised through more cynical eyes which inevitably sours those relationships.
There isn’t a one-size fits all solution here with so many different possible scenarios but here are some realities to consider:
Share The Load
If you have been lobbed this unwelcome knowledge, don’t suffer in silence and let this information weigh you down.
Find a friend, or someone you respect and trust to talk the situation through with.
Grappling with this alone is likely to really take its toll on you. You may even want to consider counselling to work out what is the best course of action.
You Didn’t Make The Problem
Remember you are not the architect of this fall out. You can talk to the cheating parent, let them know you are aware of the affair and while you don’t want to get involved, you expect them to sort it out.
You’d be perfectly within your rights to demand they jump through hoops to make it up to their partner.
One resolution might be that they themselves come clean to your other parent, they immediately end the affair and even promise to work on their long-term relationship.
You might insist they attend relationship therapy to work through any issues.
Blow The Lid
You may feel the best step is to tell the parent who has been cheated on, but it’s worth bearing in mind, they may already know and may be turning a blind eye.
By confronting them with the truth, you could be taking away their coping mechanism.
Or, as the bearer of such unwelcome news you may also come under fire, or be labelled a trouble maker.
None of us really knows what goes on in a couple’s relationship.
Keeping Schtum
You may decide to hold the confidence for the very best of intentions, but do weigh up how likely it is that your wronged parent may ultimately discover you were in on the secret.
If this were to occur both parental relationships could be permanently damaged.
Be Honest
Let your cheating parent know how let down you feel.
There may be issues you weren’t aware of so listen when they explain their position.
Still it is very likely that whatever their justification, you won’t feel ready to forget their actions and the very best outcome is for the relationship to emerge only slightly tarnished.
If you are worried about something you can write to me and my team of counsellors for a free and personalised response at [email protected]
‘Dad swore he would end it’
I felt enraged by his pathetic suggestion that it was in some way mum’s fault.
He didn’t know Elizabeth had messaged me and I can only presume she hoped it would end his marriage so they could be together.
It seemed spiteful that she chose to tell me. She must have known how close Dad and I were.
Dad swore he would end it.
[quote credit=”Faye”]He’d ring us every night when he was away, telling us how much he missed us… it turns my stomach to think she must have been there[/quote]He told me that while he was fond of Elizabeth, he’d never loved her and it had become a habit.
I cut him off. I didn’t want to hear his excuses.
He was so duplicitous, he’d ring us every night when he was away, telling us how much he missed us and it turns my stomach to think she must have been there in the background.
I can only hope he has finished it. At 62 he’s semi-retired and he’s stopped working away.
Now, his attention is on Mum, which is the very least she deserves.
‘If in doubt, say nowt’
Our relationship, however, is broken beyond repair and I paint on the face of a dutiful daughter for mum’s sake when I’m in his company.
Rather than seeing him as my protector and the man who would always put his family first, I realise just how weak he is. He disgusts me.
Every childhood memory feels like a lie and even my own eight-year marriage feels tainted as he – a man who was once my hero – walked me down the aisle.
And I struggle to trust my husband which feels deeply unfair, as Nick has been so supportive.
I’ve been through hell and I don’t want my mum to go through the same. It would destroy her.
But I hate keeping it from her and it goes round and round in my head – and I can’t decide if keeping my secret is the right thing to do.
Funnily enough Mum has always said to me ‘if in doubt say nowt’. So, at the moment I’m saying nothing to protect both Mum and Louise.
I still turn up for Sunday lunch. My father seems normal, I guess he’s had plenty of practice at pretending. I feel under huge strain not to snap at him and I’ve lost a stone through the stress.
The more time that passes, the harder it is to say anything.
I worry beyond belief that mum will find out because Elizabeth will one day carry out her threat and reveal the truth. I can only assume Dad managed to talk her out of it.
And it terrifies me that if Mum ever found out that I knew already the betrayal would hit her twice as hard. She might think that I’ve favoured my dad over her.
Of course, I haven’t. The only good thing that’s come out of this is that I appreciate her so much more – I realise she has always been the strong one, the glue who kept our family together.
*Names have been changed
