FINDING the right partner has never been easy but now it feels trickier than ever, as the smallest mistake can see someone dubbed a narcissist.
On TikTok alone, the term ‘narcissistic’ has over 90 million videos – with people claiming a partner walking in front or being ‘easily stressed out’ are both huge red flags of a clinical diagnosis.
But the definition of narcissism is much more complicated than that – people with the disorder have high self-importance, lack empathy and pay little regard for others’ needs.
Despite loving to be centre of attention, they are often highly insecure.
While many unqualified singletons are quick to “diagnose” their exes, Stina Sanders, a leading relationship expert and author of A Woman’s Guide To Identifying Red Flags, has revealed it’s more likely that YOU’RE the problem.
Stina, a leading voice in mental health and debunking modern relationship myths, spoke exclusively to Fabulous.
Here she reveals why a change of perspective might help you find the love you deserve…
It’s YOU
SO YOUR ex didn’t buy you flowers and forgot your anniversary, he’s definitely a narcissist.
The guy you were seeing who ghosted you after a few dates, must be an avoidant. And that guy you matched with? His slow replies and one-word answers are obviously a red flag. At least, according to TikTok.
As a relationship therapist, I hate to break it to you, but your ex probably didn’t have a personality disorder or any attachment issues; he was probably just a bad boyfriend. Sure, you can blame and call him a red flag, but maybe the real issue in your love life… is you.
Ouch. That stung, didn’t it? Don’t worry, you’re only human – none of us enjoy looking in the mirror.
But your refusal to take accountability for who you choose to date isn’t protecting you, it’s preventing you from having a healthy relationship. Not just with others, but with yourself.
Writing them off too early
We live in a society that loves to slap labels on people. Narcissist, gaslighter, avoidant; these are all buzzwords that make it easier to write off someone’s bad behavior instead of reflecting on why you accepted it.
[bc_video account_id=”5067014667001″ application_id=”” aspect_ratio=”16:9″ autoplay=”” caption=”I’m a ‘love expert’ – the exact moment you should leave your partner because it’s not going to ‘magically get better'” embed=”in-page” experience_id=”” height=”100%” language_detection=”” max_height=”360px” max_width=”640px” min_width=”0px” mute=”” padding_top=”56%” picture_in_picture=”” player_id=”default” playlist_id=”” playsinline=”” sizing=”responsive” video_id=”6364073925112″ video_ids=”” width=”640px”]Sure, some people genuinely do exhibit these traits and have personality disorders, but not every failed relationship or unhealthy behaviour needs a clinical diagnosis.
Sometimes, the simplest explanation is the right one: they weren’t right for you, and you weren’t right for them.
[authenticated-scripts src=”%3Cscript%20class%3D%22palin-poll%22%20src%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thesun.co.uk%2Fpollingwidgets%2Fv3%2Fwidget.js%3Fquestion_id%3D103755%26game%3Dpolling%22%3E%3C%2Fscript%3E” type=”embedded” width=”100″ /]Thinking you can ‘fix’ them
Taking responsibility for your part in a relationship isn’t about blaming yourself or excusing bad behavior, it’s about owning your choices and having control of your life. And let’s be clear here, abusive relationships are real, devastating, and never the victim’s fault.
But if you keep dating people who treat you poorly, it’s worth asking yourself why you’re drawn to them. Are you ignoring red flags because you’re afraid of being alone or because you think you can ‘fix’ them?
These are tough questions, but the answers can provide you with the clarity as to why these connections feel so compelling.
Sticking to your type
Whether you believe it or not, we all have a type. If you don’t believe me, take a look back at all your relationships. While your exes might not all look alike, they will likely have traits, behaviours and patterns that were similar.
That’s because it’s ingrained in us to be attracted to someone who feels familiar, because familiarity feels safe – even when it isn’t.
Our brains are funny like that. Despite knowing someone isn’t good for us, we can’t help but be attracted. It’s what psychologists call Repetition Compulsion.
The unconscious drive to repeat past experiences, especially unresolved or traumatic ones, in an attempt to gain control or to fix them.
For example, let’s say you grew up in a household where love felt conditional. Maybe affection only came when you achieved something, which meant you developed a belief that love is something you earn.
Fast forward to adulthood, and you may find yourself bending over backward to please partners, always trying to prove your worth. Or maybe you were raised in an environment that felt emotionally unpredictable.
One moment, your parents were warm and loving, the next, they were distant or unavailable.
As a child, this inconsistency might have been confusing, or even scary, but as an adult, this might have manifested as an attraction to partners who keep you on your toes. The “hot and cold” types.
[quote credit=”Stina Sanders”]The good news is once you can identify your patterns, thoughts and behaviours, you can change them.[/quote]And it’s not just about who we’re attracted to; it’s also about what we’re drawn to. So that bad boy you can’t resist? He might represent the rebellion you were never allowed to explore.
The emotionally unavailable musician? He might remind you of the love you always had to fight for growing up.
The relationships where you stay silent about your feelings? That’s the fear of rejection that you learned as a child.
And the good people you push away? Maybe getting close to someone feels too risky because deep down, you’re still bracing for the kind of disappointment you experienced from people who were supposed to care for you.
Our relationship dynamics often stem from unmet needs in our past. The good news is once you can identify your patterns, thoughts and behaviours, you can change them.
Failing to recognise the red flags
Once you get to the heart of why you’re drawn to these familiar yet unhealthy cycles and what your red flags are, you can start making a shift and finally choose relationships that nourish your emotional needs and most importantly, make you feel safe.
That doesn’t mean you’ll never date a jerk again, but it does mean you’ll be quicker to recognise what’s healthy and what’s not. You’ll stop tolerating bad behavior and start prioritising your own needs and boundaries. This shift will not only help your love life – it will transform your confidence and self-worth, too.
So, instead of diagnosing every ex or blaming your single status on TikTok’s latest relationship trend, try looking inward.
Self-reflection isn’t easy, but it will lead you to grow, heal, and build healthier relationships with others, but most importantly, with yourself.