DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I found out my partner had cheated on me, I fell into her friend’s arms.
It happened several years ago, but I still feel so guilty that I want to tell her. However, I know the truth will destroy her and our now happy relationship.
We have been together for eight years. I’m 34 and she’s 36.
Before she met me, she was in a really damaging relationship with a controlling man who messed with her head.
He didn’t like it when she finally got away from him and started seeing me.
About two years into our relationship, we went through a rocky patch.
[authenticated-scripts src=”%3Cscript%20type%3D%22text%2Fjavascript%22%20src%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fjs.php%2Fdear_deidre_problem_feb%22%3E%3C%2Fscript%3E%3Cnoscript%3E%3Ca%20href%3D%22https%3A%2F%2Fthesun.formstack.com%2Fforms%2Fdear_deidre_problem_feb%22%20title%3D%22Online%20Form%22%3EOnline%20Form%20-%20Dear%20Deidre%20-%20Feb%202025%3C%2Fa%3E%3C%2Fnoscript%3E” type=”embedded” width=”100″ /]We were arguing a lot and we stopped having sex. He took the opportunity to swoop in and make her feel she should be with him.
She ended up sleeping with him, but immediately regretted it, and told me what she’d done.
I loved her, so said I’d forgive her and agreed to work on our relationship. But knowing she’d been unfaithful ate away at me.
I confided in her then best friend about how I felt, and she comforted me.
We got very drunk, and had sex. She wanted to start a proper affair but, after a few weeks of illicit encounters, I realised what I was doing was very wrong, and stopped it.
That was five years ago. I haven’t spoken to the woman since, and my partner is no longer friends with her.
[bc_video account_id=”5067014667001″ application_id=”” aspect_ratio=”16:9″ autoplay=”” caption=”Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it” embed=”in-page” experience_id=”” height=”100%” language_detection=”” max_height=”360px” max_width=”640px” min_width=”0px” mute=”” padding_top=”56%” picture_in_picture=”” player_id=”default” playlist_id=”” playsinline=”” sizing=”responsive” video_id=”6347316631112″ video_ids=”” width=”640px”]In the meantime, my relationship with my partner has grown so much.
We’ve bought a place together and are talking about getting married and having kids. But the knowledge that I slept with her friend hangs over me.
I don’t know if I can go to the grave knowing I’ve cheated and lied. But I don’t want to break my partner’s heart.
What should I do?
[read-more title=”READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE” article_ids=”34149908,34187683″ shortcode_id=”88ae5c43-7d69-41c0-aa99-7fbfd93bf3d6″ /]DEIDRE SAYS: You did the wrong thing, but are paying for it in guilt. Telling your partner won’t help her.
The best case scenario is that she no longer trusts you. The worst – your relationship will end.
Why risk that when you’re both happy and love each other? After five years, it’s unlikely your secret will ever come out, though it’s not beyond the realms of possibility.
If you can’t live with yourself, then rather than telling your partner and hurting her deeply, it might be wise to find another way to ease your conscience.
Talking can be very cathartic, and talking to a counsellor is totally confidential. My support packs, Feeling Guilty?, and Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, will be useful for you to read.
THANK YOU FOR ADVICE ON MY DEAD END RELATIONSHIP
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 15 years and two kids my partner still hadn’t committed to me.
He rented his own flat so he could relax after work instead of helping with the kids, then took a job 100 miles away, only visiting at weekends.
He told me he loved me and wanted me and the kids in his life. But I was fed up with feeling taken for granted, so I wrote to you for advice.
At 45, I wanted marriage and a full-time commitment, for me and the children. I was starting to think his promises of a future proposal were pie in the sky, and that I should walk away.
You gave me a firm but kind reality check, saying I deserved a proper relationship but it was very unlikely it would ever happen with him.
I read your support packs, When Your Man Won’t Commit, Ending A Relationship and Moving On – which you acknowledged would be hard and painful, if that’s what I chose.
DEIDRE SAYS: Thank you so much for your personalised advice. Now I’ve decided to give him an ultimatum and, if he won’t commit, to break up with him.
It’s natural to feel sad and apprehensive about a big life change, but also very positive that you feel stronger.
I hope your future will be brighter, and I am always here for you.
[boxout headline=”OLD PALS SNUB ME SINCE I BEAT ADDICTION TO BOOZE”]DEAR DEIDRE: SOBRIETY has ruined my social life. Half my friends avoid me and the others always go on about how I can’t drink – it makes me feel like I’m at an AA meeting.
I’m a 28-year-old woman and proud not to have touched alcohol for well over a year after having a severe drinking problem, which started at university.
I’ll admit I was a mess. Once I started drinking, I couldn’t stop. It made me loud and lairy, and I did embarrassing things.
When I first stopped drinking, I chose not to go out anywhere that alcohol was served, or to socialise with people who were drinking, to avoid temptation.
But recently, I’ve started to be more comfortable around other people’s drinking. I went to a family wedding and birthday meals in restaurants and I was fine.
However, when I ask my friends if they want to meet, the first thing they talk about is not being able to drink or how we can’t go to the pub. They only suggest coffees or going to the cinema. Some of them make excuses not to meet at all.
I thought all my friends would be happy that I’m healthy. Unfortunately, it seems to have changed my relationships for the worse. I just want people to act normally around me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Congratulations on your sobriety. While I’m sure your friends are happy for you, they’re clearly also uncomfortable with your new status as a teetotaller.
This could be partly out of concern. Or perhaps the fact you don’t drink makes them question their own alcohol intake.
Talk to them again – maybe choose the one you feel is the most understanding – and say you feel strong enough to go out to their usual haunts, and won’t fall off the wagon.
It might also be a good idea to make some new friends who don’t know your history and won’t judge.
My support pack, Widening Your Social Scene, should help.
TEEN TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: OCD makes me have intrusive thoughts, which often aren’t true.
But now my boyfriend is threatening to tell my parents that I said they were abusive. I’m 19 and he’s 20.
OCD makes me obsess about things, including scary and imaginary scenarios.
Recently, I confided in my boyfriend about my thoughts, including being abused as a child, which didn’t happen.
We had an argument, and he said he was going to tell my mum and dad.
DEIDRE SAYS: He has no right to tell your parents. Please make it clear to him that it didn’t happen, and it’s not his place to say anything.
If he won’t respect your feelings, walk away. My support pack, Overcoming Obsessions, should help. Find support through ocduk.org (01332 588 112).
[boxout headline=”SEX LIFE IN TATTERS”]DEAR DEIDRE: MY sex life is in tatters and I blame my wife’s job.
Until a year ago, we were at it like teenagers, but now she’s always too tired.
We’re in our early 50s and have been together for 25 years. Sex was an important part of our relationship.
From the start, we’d make love four or five times a week, as well as enjoying lots of kissing and cuddling – even when we had young kids.
Then, last year, she got a new job as a PA, and it went downhill. She’s never in the mood. If I want sex, I have to practically beg her for it.
I’m lucky if we do it once a week and that’s not enough as I have a high libido. I’ve told her, but she just brushes me off or makes jokes.
I miss intimacy. It’s making me feel really down and deflated. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: When a formerly physically demonstrative partner goes off sex, it can feel like a rejection.
But it’s likely your wife genuinely is tired from her job and it’s not because she has gone off you.
Her libido may not be as high as it used to be – which is normal, especially if she’s at an age when women go through the menopause.
If she jokes, it’s probably because she feels awkward.
Talk to her about how you feel, ideally when not in bed so there’s no pressure, and see if you can find a compromise. Couples counselling could help. Suggest this to her.
See my support pack about counselling and contact tavistock relationships.org.